Sexing up your Squash, IVF and natural cycles of fertility

I use to wonder why the solo pumpkin that self seeded in the compost heap never produced any pumpkins. What was I doing wrong? I got strong growth, but the baby pumpkins just rotted away and never prospered. The same thing would sometimes happen with zucchini. They would slowly rot away from the top down. Disheartening and discouraging, a miscarriage of the gardens hopes.


Do your zucchini look like this? Have you been stupidly spraying for fungal diseases or losing hope in your ability to ever grow your own organically? Well now is the time for hope. You just have to sex up your zucchini and pumpkins. The problem is a lack of pollinators or a mistiming of male and female flowers. You my friend, have to stand in, roll up your sleeves and go in for the garden IVF solution. Now male flowers seem to appear first, then the female when the vine is stronger. If you only have one plant there may not be any male flowers available to pollinate the female flower when her time is right. Therefore you do need to have a few plants, even if there are plenty of bees about.

Squash have both male and female flowers. Have you noticed? The female flowers have a gorgeous little fruiting body full of new life potential.


They also have a flower that forms, blooms and then closes. This is the window of opportunity where pollination must occur for a mature fruit to form. It is like the time of ovulation in a woman’s cycle. She is ripe and ready to receive male “seed” as the patriarchs call it. Do you know that your female squash flowers have a cervix?



The male flowers don’t have the fruit, just a long stem. Inside they have a pollen generating member, just like a male penis. Now this is sex education God style. In the picture below I have two male flowers with the petals removed ready to inseminate and make my baby zucchini live.


In order to produce healthy mature fruit if you have a lack of natural pollinators in your area you will need to insert this male part into a ripe female cervix. It is a loving and erotic part of the summer city gardening experience. Early morning is best for sex.


Just like getting a woman pregnant, consistent diligent attention is necessary. If you miss a day in a garden busy with fast growing zucchini, you will likely come across unpollinated female flowers that have closed. It may not be too late. If you expose the cervix and it is still yellow, pollinate it and you will have a good chance of success. If the cervix is brown, sorry you have missed the moment. The photo below shows the cervix of a closed mature flower with petals removed. Please don’t be a goose and tear off the unopened petals of immature flowers in your zeal for progeny. The little flower below the cervix is an immature one that will flower in a day or two.


So, whether it is zucchini, pumpkin, squash or humans you are wanting to fill your life with in abundance, make the most of your moments and lavish the cervix with plenty of attention at the right moments, diligently, consistently and make time for an early walk in the garden, then go back to bed and sex your beautiful woman.


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